I hate people

It's nothing personal.

People just categorize things too much.

Complicate things all the time.

I wonder how human made it this far.

Calm down now..

If everything you believe in is a lie, its okay.
If you can't find the truth, no one can so don't worry.
If everything you have is taken away, cry then let it go.
If you can't understand why things happen, stop trying.
If nobody understands you, they're missing the point.
If people are wrong and they can't figure what's right, let them be.
If you can't right the wrongs, know that we just can't.
If your loved ones leave you, don't let them leave your heart.
If you can't walk no more, stay there, don't retreat.
If being mad is the only way you can keep going, be angry.
When you’re tired putting up with things, it’s okay to break down.
It's fine, everything's alright, calm down now..
Anger makes you look unwise.

Therapeutic

I meant to sang the notes but the dog bit my tongue it bleeds, the ketchup tastes funny. The morning when I was so flabby I woke up every sunday eating tomatoes but my roommate went clubbing in the mirror, and I dance along that rock song like going to church and praying for all the sinners in the world. Help, the church burns me, the worms in my head bursts it jumped onto the sea. Don't look at the potatoe it makes you cry, the pan fry some paper you gonna write a sad love song under the sea.

The other day I met an ant who told me I got sugar on my brain, they crawl and surround a big tiger, eating it alive. Don't pray, the crease on your hands will wrinkle, no you don't wanna grow old in one day. I smoke this weed and it was strawberry flavored and god told me I am god. I invented the pot and let the aliens teleport it all around cause I am god. God dances, right steps, left steps, it topples it's broken hearted so the bomb explodes and the rats weep.

Excuse me sir where do you live, is it where all the green flowers bloom and the dead bodies fly away to the burning heaven? I'd like to live there please, live someplace anyplace cause I ain't got a place to live in. The day they made me doctor I felt so big I went to the market and bought some fried calamari, only those bastards forgot to put them in boiling water they swam around like fishes I saw in National Geographic. There were detectives too, investigating a puddle of blood on the floor that dripped from my broken nose.

On Monday momma says I gotta go to the hospital, the president lives there too, I'll watch some DVD movies I made, its about people crying and raising their pets. The children hides in the blanket cause they've got two bellies, one eye and three ears just like me. I feed them cockroaches, hug them then they turn into jellybeans and cabbages. I'm alone again all the kids are gone, we were supposed to go to this party on a pumpkin cart, they promised I could be the cinderella. I don't want no cinderella, I don't got no glass shoes, I don't want no prince, they only live in a country far far away where pretty people breed and bleed to death. I am the ocean, the tide, and the chocolate cookies with blueberry jam.

I saw this girl on the news she's so pretty she puts cake on her face and marry a plastic guy and produce cantaloupes so she could be happy, and that makes me sad. I loaded a gun with an eyeball and shot it on Boobaa's eye socket so he could see again. But then he went to jail because he saw things he never did and was raped and so he slit Captain Hook's trhoat and became Peter Pan. Oh wait I gotta buy some pop tarts my chicken's hungry.

Grand Rounds, my favorite

Shit shit, late late, I grabbed my brief, slammed car door and ran off to 2nd building. Elevator? No too slow, stairs, up up up. 2nd floor, left, room 2029. Hosh hosh there we go.

When I got to the ward, 20 or so white coated pupils are already there. A grey-haired long coated professor stood in the middle surrounded by the other whities. I sneaked in quietly, tapped a friend on his back and grinned. He just shook his head, 30 mins late.

On any other tutes, conferences or small rounds I'll have to skip the session, 15 mins late is top, 30 is intolerable. But on grand rounds, too many people are cramped into one room, you can almost dance unnoticed if you stand on the back lines. There are professors, senior residents, junior residents, guest residents and clinical med students - like myself. It is only for us students that grand rounds are fun.

For the residents, they've prespired themselves since the day before and presented their patients with outmost perfections so as not to get grilled by the consultants or professors. "Chest x-ray? Echo? ECG? ABG? Leuco? Fibrinogen? D-dimer? Glucose? ASTO? CRP? Culture?" the consultants will demand. The residents will be flipping over patients' status frantically to recall all the values. As for us students, we stood there staring at the residents lightly. Usually it's them who'd be asking us questions, now seeing them panicked and dumbfounded.. feels good.

"Ok, has anyone read that EKG and physical examination books?" the consultant asked. No one shake/nod heads. "So everyone HAVE read it?" Everyone shook head and laughed nervously. But then the consultant turned his head only toward the residents and made sharp remarks. To us he said nothing and let it go. Other times the professors would ask question, and one of the student answer it correctly. We'll be complemented like a little kid. As for the residents "how come the 5th grade students know it and you doctors dont?"

"Was that an early, mid or late systolic murmur?" the consultant asked a resident after an auscultation. He answered "uhm a late systolic, doc." The doc shook his head, glared at the resident and say "come here students, here's what pansystolic murmur sounds like." The students cheerfuly approach the doc, take turns to listen to the scope the doc held for us.

It's fun being med students in a grand round. We are immune to any of our mistake or stupidity, we are mellowed by the silver spoons the consultants and the professors offered us. At the same time that's where we see snubbish residents, who're usually in a position to drill us, now be drilled in turn. To the consultants we're like little children trying to spell alphabets, while the residents must put perfect sentences with flawless grammar.

If I'm to go on with this medical training, I'll eventually stood on the resident's shoes, that gotta suck. So enjoy it while I'm this excused newbie. I wonder how it'll feel when I get to be the professor. The center of the attention, the source of the pressure, the light of the expertise, must feel good. They deserve those respect though, after such long educational torture they've been through. As for me, a long way to go if time permits.. that's what so grand about it.

A perfect lie

This is a story about a perfect lie.
It is perfect because MOST people believe in it.

It piss me off. Everytime I gotta fill a form in Indonesia, I gotta pick a religion. All of them are listed, *moslem/christian/catholic/ hindhi/buddhist (*cross the unecessary). You really don't give much choice do you? On our ID card too, a religion must be listed. Once I intentionally skipped the religion part blank in a form, the lady returned it to me. She said "Here, you forgot to fill the religion box", and I said "Oh I did that on purpose, I don't have any religion." Her expression was a bit surprised, then she grinned as if I was butt naked in front of her "You have to choose one, the religion column must be filled."

Such a pusher! Don't force me to be religious okay, I never forced anybody to quit a religion. I'm not immoral, I'm irreligious! Why's that everytime I state in this country I don't have a religion I become less moraled, I automatically become the sinner, the rebel and the shallow-head? I am spiritual, but not religious okay. Spirits do not have religion. Human mind do.

Who still believes the kid tell-tale when you leave food behind on your meal, the food will be sad and cry? Ok, who still believes the kid tell-tale if you don't cover your belly button the devil will bite it? Now, who still believes bad kids go to hell? Get the idea? Papa told u the food will cry if u dont eat them, so you'll eat ur plate clean. Mama told u the devil will bite ur belly-button if u dont cover it, so u dont go round naked. And they told u you'll go to hell if you're bad, so you'll be good, not so you'll be religious.

I'm happy to see people be religious just to have something to live by, something to guide them. I'm happy to see people use religion as a basis in leading a nice happy family. But in a lot of bad case, religion mostly CLOSES one's mind and make people seclude themselves from others. Like it's very sad to see people:

• Join religion because they want to go to heaven
• Join religion because they fear death and hel
• Think their religion is the only right one
• Drag other people to join their religion (or any religion at all)
• Live and talk about nothing but their religion
• Think that the religion have CHOSEN them instead of the other way around (As if they're so special, they're chosen. And so they'll devote their life just to it because I suppose they're no special in other things)
• And the saddest is: when they use it to JUSTIFY themselves, and condemn other people

If one religion's better than the other, or being religous is better than not; how come we all breathe the same air, live under the same sun, live the same rich or poor lives, cry the same tears, and die the same reasons? Do u really think god - or whatever name u call the creator by - wanted human to live so we can all be holy? Or so we can devote and sacrifice ourselves for god, praise and thank endlessly? Such classical human thoughts. You really think god is so human that the important things for you are those important for it? You surely don't equalize yerself to god do you? God don't need praises, thanks, devotions nor sacrifices. Those are human things. God don't attach to no emotions or needs. It needs NOTHING, from you or from anybody.

So if some human many years ago CLAIMED that god demanded those things done, it was just a human exclamation no diffrent than other things human have exclaimed. That explains the diversities of religions don't it? Because human are so diffrent, they invented diffrent religions. Their gods come from their race, their color, their gender etc, which explains why most god are men cause they were invented by men. If religions really come from god itself, dont you think god would've made it much simpler by universalizing everyone to one same un-chooseable religion; much like the way you cannot choose to be black or white? To be tall or short, to be man or woman, to be human or dog etc.

God didn't do that because it gave us freedom. A freedom to feel, a freedom to believe. And then, HUMAN created religions as something to believe in. Yes, again it's so human.. we just have the need to believe in something don't we? In something at all. Just gotta believe in something to find security. Because it makes us feel so fragile to know there's higher power so foreign to us that we don't know who we are or where we come from, so lets create a story where we can feel like we belong someplace. The story's called god and religion. Believe in a story long enough, the story will turn into reality in your head.

Now, good for you if you've found that security. Well you know how successfull sales marketing can be. That's how successfull this free-offered-security (called religion) can be bought by people's mind. Why not buy it? It costs nothing and it gives you peace in mind. And i respect that decision. And I'm happy for you. BUT, when someone dont buy the same thing - like i dont - please respect that too.

The greatest war that happened had religious reasons behind it. Countries become allies and enemies based on the religion they believe. People call strangers 'sisters' and 'brothers' when they are fellow believers. See here, the positive effect is there: religion gives people a common ground to relate to each other and become allies or brothers or sisters. But at the same moment there, followers have just secluded themselves from the rest of the world, the fellow religioin believers become so exclusive to themselves. There's where religion CLOSE one's mind.
Why can't we all be allies? Why can't we all be brothers and sisters? Our common ground is because we're all human. NOT because we have the same religion. Is'nt that way we will all be similar? We will believe in one same thing and don't go against each other? Isn't that way we're all friends and family? Why do you have to be so exclusive? Why do you have to be so prideful, that it has to be what you believe that's righteous.

Stop for one second.
Stop and cease the flow of time. Take a deep breath.
Now take one step back from life.
And view it from above.
Think how limited we are in understanding everything.
Don't let the brain takes control, for it's full of pride and memories.
Memories that have fooled you, of how you were told to believe.
This isn't about you, or what you believe in.
This isn't about who's right or who's wrong.
This is just about living the same playground, playing the same game.
Aiming for the same goal: Just to exist.

Someone murders because something made them kill. Someone prostitues because the circumstances forced them to do it. Someone robs because they have to make a living. Someone hates because there was something to hate. Someone lies because they fear the truth. To everything - good or bad - there is a reason. They never wanted to be the bad guys, circumstances made them that way. And they never claimed what they do is right. But I know, they are the people who are least likely to condemn others. And that's the good in them you don't have.

How many times have you heard 'the good people' condemn those bad guys, most of the time in the name of religion? Perhaps you've done it yourself. Condemn, condemn, condemn. Religions also happen to bring arrogance to people. It makes people think they and their fellow believers are 'the chosen ones' so they have the right to decide what's right and what's wrong, including for other people. Tell me, god didn't come to you and tell you "In my name, I made you god." Did it? What I see is: with religion the wrongs become exiled, the rights become hippocrites. And where's the good in that?

Some of you may think "Well yeah? I have lived a life damn hard enough okay, yet I still have the dignity to 'not go the easy way' and end up as the bad guys! So those pussies who end up in the wrong side of the world can eat their consequences and go to hell, unless they wanna right themselves up! Like me, I joined this religion and that helps me." First, you're lucky enough to have the strength it takes to stay put, not everyone has it. Second, whatever solutions u found were not yours to choose, it were set, and not everyone has the same solution. You didn't earn your righteousness, you were given it. For that, you can thank whoever or god all you want in any way you want. But don't brag about your righteousness as if god thinks you're the special one.

If this is all so difficult for you to accept, maybe the next time you're born TO BE wrong, you'd understand what I mean.

Because you're mine, I walk the line

What's good of a letter not written, what's good of a song not sang.
What's good of a life without love, what's good of a love without you.

Two and a half hours before work, why sleeping is such a torture these days. And staying awake is even worse. How're you people say, everything's fine I say. Yes, it's all as fine just as it's painful. Here I am pretending like you're not my pain but I'm only fooling myself. These emotions consume me it's eating me alive hun, I gotta do something so I write.

You see, no one has taken over my pride before, no one. Not like you. I was the one who define things, I was ME with or without anybody. But you, you make me so weak I hate it. I become so dependent, so reliant, so needy. I can't define myself anymore, without you I'm nobody. I've loved before, but never this great. A love like this decapitates me. When I got you I got the world, when I don't got you I don't got nothing.

That makes me miserable. It was because you're mine I could walk the line. Now I can't even take one footstep at a time. But no worries, I'll be fine so long you're fine. So shh baby, just have a good sleep.. I can feel you breathe.

Manufactured by: Stupidity

I was born into this life, and I had no choice. I was gestated more or less for 9 months, not knowing why 9 not 8 or 10 or any other numbers because the genes were set to be that way.

I didn’t get to choose how complete are my body parts, how I look like, which sexes, the color of my skin, color of my eyes, what orientation.

The family I was born into was not mine to decide. Not the language, not the ethics, not the food we eat, not the things they belief in, not the tradition.

I grew up learning things people taught me, without knowing the meaning. The brain absorbs everything. And the understanding comes later, after they put perspectives into my head. Their perspective. Their emotions.

I have been fabricated. Have been manufactured.

I don’t know why I do things they way I do, I have always lived that way. I don’t know why I like the things I like, I just know it makes me feel good. I don’t know why I hate certain things very much, I’m just sick of them.

I don’t know why everyone does it but everyone does. Grow up, try to be good, go to school, get a good job, mate and marry, breed children, let them grow up, tell them try to be good, go to school, get a good job, mate and marry, breed more children... It’s the pattern of life. When you can follow it, they call it a ‘success’.

We are so fabricated. So manufactured.

To every Why we can’t answer, we say god made it that way. To every happenings we can’t control, we think god set it that way. The truth is when we don’t have an answer, and when we don’t have control over things, insecurities start to rust the peace of our mind.

It kills, to not have a peace of mind. So it is natural for human defense reaction to overcome insecurities by inventing a form of invisible, indescribealbe, unimaginable, unexplainable form of superior being. They call it God. I call it the system.

The system rules itself out. Things go in order or not in order, they will just go on. In the end it all ends with an end. Hell is a state of fear, heaven is a state of mind. And no state will last forever.

Nothing is fair, nothing is unfair. Good things happen and bad things happen. It’s nothing personal. You’re only part of the system. In the system everything is a series of chance of probabilities. Where many favorable, unfavorable, and improbable things can occur.

To believe it or to not, it doesn’t matter. You have already been fabricated, been manufactured. We are just products of different factories of stupidities. I might be confused. And you’re no better.

The First Time

"Permisi mbak, IGD bedah disebelah mana ya?" dengan wajah semanis mungkin, gue berdua sama temen gue nanya ke cewek berseragam biru di balik meja deket pintu masuk emergency. Cewek itu ngeliat ke kita dengan muka bete dan melotot "Tadi apa kamu bilang? Mbak? Saya DOKTER tau!" Otomatis kita berdua langsung salting dan manggut-manggut. "Ooh, maap maap dok, kami ngga tau tadi, maap kirain.." kita sampe ngga tau mo ngomong apa.. masa mo bilang 'kirain mbak-mbak?'

Hari itu gue tugas jaga di RS tuk pertama kalinya. Sialnya diantara temen2 sekelas, kita berdua adalah yg paling ter-pertama jaga. Instruksinya singkat: "Ke IGD bedah jam 4, lapor ke dokter jaga, jangan telat." So abis kuliah dr jam 7 pagi til 4 sore, ngeliat temen2 pulang, dgn sangat berat hati gue menuju IGD. Disitu banyak banget orang en ruangan2, yg mana tempat bedah yg mana dokter jaga ngga tau. Jadi tadi nanya sama 'mbak' baju biru yg kita kira reception itu, eeh kena semprot. Haih, lagian mana eike tau ses, dokter kan baju putih la hai bukan biru.

"Cari apa, Dok? Jaga ya?" ada ibu baju ijo nyapa pas kita clingukan di dpn pintu ruangan yg namanya IGD bedah (padahal gak ada judulnya). 'Nahh ini beneran suster' gw mikir. Inget ya: baju ijo, pake topi, manggil kita Dok. "Ia sus, dokter jaganya yang mana yah?" temen gue nanya. "Chief bedahnya ya?" ditanya balik. Nah lo apa tuw, kaya kaptennya gitu yah, iya-in aja deh sus. "Tuh ruang di ujung pojok sana, cari aja dr. D." suster baiknya kasih tau kita. "Ok, makasih sus, permisi."

Kita jalan ke pojok, ngelewatin deretan2 pasien yg meringis2 di atas ranjang dan keluarga2nya dgn muka panik. Bau ruanganya juga lumayan aneh, bau2 cairan manusia plus muntah plus lembab plus antiseptik plus pokoknya ga cocok deh buat aromaterapi. Akhirnya nemu ruangan pojok itu.

Tok tok. "Ya masuk!" ada yang triak. "Permisi dok, kami coass yang jaga malam ini." Salah satu dokter cowo tinggi jawab "Internasional ya?" Kita iya-iya trus disuruh masuk dan duduk.

Dokternya ada banyak di dalem, sofanya ada dua dan uda robek2. Ada TV kecil, AC, dan penuh asep rokok. Gue pikir, 'waw ruangannya jorok amat, gue bakal sampe pagi nih disini?' But I was wrong. Pas abis ditatar, kita disuruh ke kamar coass. Ruangan ini jauh lebih parah, tadinya gue kira gudang. Kebetulan dinamakan sesuai dgn keadaannya: kamar ayam. Banyakan nyamuk disitu kali daripada kemping diluar.

"Jadi, kalian mau blajar apa disini?" dokter cowo tadi nanya santai pas lagi natar kita. Kita berdua diem bingung. Trus dokternya "Jadi ngga tau mau blajar apa? Kalo ngga tau mau ngapain disini?" Wah kita berdua langsung jawab apa kek yg kepikiran "blajar nyuntik dok" kata temen gue. "Nyuntik? Gampang itu mah sebentar juga bisa, nggak perlu disini juga bisa." Gue langsung nambahin "mau umm belajar jahit dok". "O cuma mo bisa jait? Kalo blajar jait sih nggak usah sama gue, jangan disini blajar jait." Salah lagi? "Ya mau belajar semuanya sih dok, abis kita kesini nggak dibekalin disuruhnya apa-apa aja gitu."

Tiba2 gak tau apanya yg kumat, si Dokter nadanya jadi tegas nyindir "Iya jadi ya, mau kalian judulnya internasional kek, apa kek, disini tetep kalian adalah yunior gue, gue senior kalian jadi kalian disini bla bla bla.." Kita manggut2. Dalam hati gue mikir, apa tadi kita bilang kita senior? Org lagi minta bimbingan. Saking culun-nya, kita aja sampe gak tau mo blajar apa dulu. Trus dari awal gak ada yg sebut2 'kami internasional' or 'kami spesial' or 'kami ini loh'. Cuma memperkenalkan diri sebagai murid biasa kok skrng kena sinis gitu? Setelah beberapa kalimat lagi akhirnya si Dokter nyuruh "jadi kalian baca2 dulu deh sekarang, nanti jam 7 baru ketemu lagi diskusi sama gue."

Duduklah kita di kamar ayam sambil (critanya) baca2. Suasananya brisik, disuruh baca bagian apa dan mana yg mau didiskusi juga nggak jelas, tapi tetep aja kita mencoba baca karna panik. Setelah stengah jam-an, ada dokter lain yg negur kita, katanya kalo jaga jangan duduk aja disitu tapi liat dan bantu2 dokter nanganin pasien. Dari situ kita baru keluar kamar ayam dan ngekor dokter2 yg lagi kerja.

Banyak juga pasien hari itu, lumayan nge-blank en melongo gw ngeliat beraneka pasien. Padahal ngeliat doang ngga ngerjain tapi serem, maklum first timer. Satu pasien cewek muda yg gue inget, dateng dengan sebelah toketnya menggelembung besar dan sakit, ternyata abses. Kata dokter harusnya dibuka di ruang op, dibius lokal masih bakal sakit banget krn absesnya besar, but biayanya besar mbaknya gak mampu jadi dikerjain lah disitu. Pas diinsisi, keluar nanah ngga ada abisnya, si mbak nahan triakan2 sambil gigit kain dan ngeremes tangan suaminya yg kliatannya sayang bgt sama dia. Tangan yg satunya si suami nahanin kaki istrinya, mukanya serem dan gak tega. Setelah 1/2 jam-an akirnya habis juga dipencet keluar nanahnya, lalu dipasang drainage. Udahannya suami istri itu pegangan tangan sambil suaminya tawar2in makan/minum. Gw salut liatnya. They were so young. She was really tough, and he was being brave for her. So many times I found strength from my patients. Apalah artinya sindiran2 some senior doctors yg suka aneh.

Akhirnya jam 6 pagi abis juga tugas jaga, brasaa banget capenya. Tapi jgn seneng dulu, jam 7 langsung lanjut kuliah lagi sampe jam 4 sore. Gila ya, kuda aja kudu bobo kali. I really should've went to a film school.